i cannot wait until tomorrow. No work, no phones, no people. Just me, the dog, and maybe the television, if i turn it on. But quiet. Solitude. Peaceful, restful, horrifying aloneness.
i was alone when my brother and his friends raped me. i was alone when the principal’s son and his buddy stripped me and left me in the woods outside the school. i was alone the night i got mugged by a gang of punk kids. i was alone when the doctor decided to get handsy during my physical exam.
Bad things happen when i’m alone. But if i can be COMPLETELY alone then i can keep the demons at bay. Lock the doors and windows. Isolate, isolate, isolate. Safety first. Physical safety, anyhoo.
i am beginning to doubt the reality of “mental safety” as i am beginning to doubt the reality of “mental wellness”. Not something i’m going to accomplish, or reach, or discover, or whatever the means is that people hit the Nirvana of mental health.
It’s only one day; i’m back at work Friday. So one day is going to have to be enough. It won’t be, of course, but it’s still better than nothing. I suppose. Besides, if it were longer i don’t know if i could handle the emptiness, and that would prompt me to go out and do something stupid just to not be alone.
Soon though Thanksgiving will be but a memory and i will be able to build up the armaments against Christmas and New Years.
This coming Sunday starts Advent. Four weeks of me playing piano for twenty minutes before each church service. Christmas hymns, of course. And then Christmas Eve. Played dinner music last Sunday during the Thanksgiving potluck dinner. That was ok – kept me from having to socialize for the most part.
i need to just get through the next couple of days. Then i can worry about the next few weeks.