Why I Am So Positive: My Life Ain’t That Bad

love finding gems of truth like this one

Dream Big, Dream Often

I had a question posed to me this week: how are you always so positive considering you have secondary progressive MS?  Well the truth is I don’t live my life in a continuous state of positivity.  I write a blog that focuses on learning how to transform oneself from an under-achiever, non-doer into a personimages (1) of organization, purpose, plan and action; full of desire and ambition.  It takes a lot of work to remain positive.

Honestly, I am more positive now in life because the alternative is not acceptable.  I will not allow myself to go to the dark side and focus on how crappy life can be, how crappy people can be, how I hate my job, how life just keeps putting it to me.  I just refuse to allow my mind to think it those terms.

Why?  Because I choose to focus very little on the negative…

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same or similar?

you’re not me
i’m not you
we’re unique individuals
our problems
they’re unique too

our symptoms
are kinda alike
a lot of patterns
of our issues
look the same

but my road isn’t your road
and your speed-bumps aren’t mine

our roads may go
the same direction
for now
we can hold hands
to help support
and call out encouragement
to one another

but i can’t carry you
and you can’t carry me

Portrait of a Man with a Mustache

Take a few minutes and listen – look at the picture. You don’t have to “study” it (though I think you’ll find a lot there if you try) — just take a few to chill and enjoy.

Art by Rob Goldstein

Portrait of a Man with a Moustache                                                       Portrait of a Man with a Mustache

 

Dr. Buzzard’s Original Savannah Band- I’ll Play The Fool


 

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reaching a milestone

Is 100 a milestone? i got my 100th follower today. Compared to where i was when i started this 7 months ago – that’s a major milestone. so why no hoopla? why no dancing in the street, no singing in the shower, no grand serenades on the piano? that’s an easy one – any of those could be seen as celebration and i don’t have anything to celebrate.

now, before you refer me back to my second sentence up there, you need to consider where i’m speaking from. this is PTSD, this is flashbacks and nightmares of a time no child should have to endure. And it is always with me. Always. Some days i deal with it better than other days. Most days i hide behind my computer at work and my computer at home. Doctor says i need to exercise. i’m moving my fingers all the time. The muscles at the bottom of my forearm are strong and tight.

But I’m wandering far from the subject, so let’s circle back. Look at things factually – i do now have 100 followers. yippie.

i used to try, really try to get others to understand why i’m still dealing with this, why it’s still screwing with my life. i get either cotton-candy-compassion or in-your-face-realism.

i miss a friend. had one once, cancer took him away. had a couple of other friends. one hung himself at work, the other shot himself on a beach in FLA, out in the water. They were the ones i could talk to about anything. We all talked about anything anytime anywhere. But the support system is gone. i know, there are caring people online, but that’s like saying God can carry me through the worst times. Knowing either of those things does not provide the support that’s needed.

The one main reason I’m still on this earth – i am scared to death i’ll screw it up and end up being a veg. The thought terrifies me.

Sorry, i seem to have wandered all over the platform this time. i meant to talk about how reaching a milestone can mean the opposite of how a lot of people would handle it. Follow along if you would.

i cannot do anything right
i do not finish what i start
i tear apart anything i create

Ergo, since i cannot do anything right – getting that milestone is in direct conflict with the statements my life is anchored to. Ergo, it’s not really a milestone. i pretty much have to admit it happened, but its “milestone” label can easily be removed. So i just got another follower.

hurray

02
… it will be interesting to see how many “congratz” i get …

Better early than never?

I know, I know. The saying is “better late than never”, but in my life, it’s “better early…”

I am habitually early. My belief has always been if I’m not fifteen minutes early – I’m late. It’s been this way all my life. I don’t know if it relates back somehow to the abuse but definitely the way I was raised. One of the biggest influences.. if my father got to church and they were already singing the first song– he’d get back in the car and go home because he was “late”. I guess it stuck.

I suppose it’s not that bad, sitting and waiting 15 minutes. Where it gets REAL frustrating is when I’m meeting up with someone that’s always late. If someone is one minute late, my fuse lights. I know, that’s dumb – but that’s me. One minute. So picture me getting somewhere fifteen minutes early, waiting and waiting, then someone is five minutes late. I’ve waited twenty minutes and I’m fit to be tied. Not exactly fair for the other person. Unfortunately the biggest offenders in this arena seem to be doctors.

And now it’s worked its way into my writing. When I’m writing a novel, if I know how it’s going to end, I will not just tailor the chapters to fit that theme, but I will rush to get there. End result – short chapters and missing data. I go back and read later and it becomes a bigger rewrite job than it should be. At least in my “always early” opinion. If I’m writing a chapter and know where it’s going I will page down and write the ending, then go back and fill in the chapter. It gives some good endings, I suppose – but can also lead to shorter chapters.

Fortunately, this still is not the norm for me. Usually I have no idea how the book is going to end, or what the exact ending of the chapter is. Yes, I’ll have a good understanding of the story line, character motivations, etc – but not really how it will end. And I like it that way. The endings often surprise me when I write them. Yes – I actually just write as I think. I’ve found this is best for blogging also. Write it down as if I were speaking it. All those past business letters, report, and training manual writing is paying off. I can’t type as fast as I think, but I’m fast enough to not frustrate myself.

So, all-in-all, I suppose being early is better than being late. imnsho To me, being late is disrespectful. Of course in the business world it can be fatal. Doesn’t matter how late the boss may be – you gotta get there early just in case he’s on time. Again my “early habit” gives dividends.

And rather than ramble on and on I will end this.
Early.

10.26.2015

60 years and 1 day. Forty years ago I would have sworn I’d never make it here. And that was before the memories started. Ten years ago I knew I wouldn’t make it this far. Appears I was wrong both times.
Had an incredible time riding. Been too long since I’ve been on horseback. Didn’t ride all that long, but my back, my legs – I am one huge stiff, sore muscle. I thought I was out of shape but really. This is TOO much. Another joy of age.
So back to the ride. Up through countryside. Along peaks and valleys. Saw more beauty than a lot of people even realize exists. Always in a rush. I took time this past weekend and LOOKED. Did some crying too. The good kind. Yes, missing him, but that sweet ache of hurt. Misty eyed now just writing this.
60 years and 1 day.
Here’s to 60 more.
…years, that is…