the curse of the self-defeating prophet

for as long as i can remember, i have self-sabotaged.  start a project and make it fail.  or just fail to finish.  anything that can prove my lack of worth.

it cropped up a few months ago on booksie.com; a site for aspiring authors.  members there share their work and comment/critique each other’s work.  i had a few finished books, several poems, and was getting nice reviews.  too nice.  i couldn’t handle it so i pulled all my files and left the site.

my latest observation is here – my blog.

ever since being asked to share my posts on another website i have suffered from an ever-decreasing motivation to write.  what possible value could anything i write have for anyone?  there is no way i can say anything that will help anyone else.  after all, i can’t even help myself.

so if you’re one of the people who have been following my site and wondering why i haven’t been posting – there’s the culprit.

i realize by following this cycle, i am letting the perpetrators of my past win again.  and again.  then i hate myself for “failing” so i try less.  fail more.  and down the ever-tightening spiral i fall until i collapse in total defeat.

i am not ready to call it quits.  i have too much invested.  not in my blog site so much – but in ME.  good, bad, or whatever – i am the only one who can pull myself out of this, so here i go (again).  another desperate attempt at crawling free.

i have consistently told others that as long as they are trying, they aren’t failing.  true failure is when you quit.  of course, i am REAL good at giving the advice; LOUSY at taking it.

whatever, i am not throwing in the towel.

not yet.

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7 thoughts on “the curse of the self-defeating prophet

  1. Yay, I love the feeling of defiance and underlying strength in this post – that is your soul fighting.
    I can relate to much of what you are saying – I have self sabotaged a lot in the wake of a narcissistic relationship, and probably my whole life before that too… it islike there is something in me saying I am not worth happiness or good things happening to me… or maybe just not used to that sort of thing… the loneliness and sadness are more familiar..

    Please know that you are not alone. And that what you write helps others. This post helped me just now.. take care. 🌹

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was following similar thoughts today regarding struggles to keep going. We often suffer emotional issues and doubts, and then try to shore the leaks and deficiencies with logic. It just doesn’t work in that way, at least not for me. I seem to be bereft of the faith needed to use the logic to trust the faith and overcome my emotional gaps, and I wonder, what’s in me that’s broken? How did it get broken? How do I fix it?

    Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You don’t know how God is using you to help other people. At the end of the day, God is sovereign over you and over how he reaches people through you. You CAN be used by God because that’s why God has you here. You have a purpose, Marcus. You don’t feel like it, but your emotions don’t dictate God’s reality. It’s going to be ok. If not here on earth, then one day in Heaven.

    You’re going to be fine. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have that issue of fear of failure, which leads to not doing anything, which leads to nothing happening, which leads to failure…yeah, it’s a vicious cycle I’m struggling with, too…but it needs to be broken. You’re here and you’re working on it–that’s all good. I’m trying to get all my old works together myself and see what I can do with them, start submitting them for perusal and all again.

    Best of luck to ya and keep on writing. As Ray Bradbury said (paraquote), “Write a short story every week. It’s not possible to write 52 bad short stories in a row.” I’ve got that on a post-it above my computer now (hee hee).

    Liked by 1 person

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