for as long as i can remember, i have self-sabotaged. start a project and make it fail. or just fail to finish. anything that can prove my lack of worth.
it cropped up a few months ago on booksie.com; a site for aspiring authors. members there share their work and comment/critique each other’s work. i had a few finished books, several poems, and was getting nice reviews. too nice. i couldn’t handle it so i pulled all my files and left the site.
my latest observation is here – my blog.
ever since being asked to share my posts on another website i have suffered from an ever-decreasing motivation to write. what possible value could anything i write have for anyone? there is no way i can say anything that will help anyone else. after all, i can’t even help myself.
so if you’re one of the people who have been following my site and wondering why i haven’t been posting – there’s the culprit.
i realize by following this cycle, i am letting the perpetrators of my past win again. and again. then i hate myself for “failing” so i try less. fail more. and down the ever-tightening spiral i fall until i collapse in total defeat.
i am not ready to call it quits. i have too much invested. not in my blog site so much – but in ME. good, bad, or whatever – i am the only one who can pull myself out of this, so here i go (again). another desperate attempt at crawling free.
i have consistently told others that as long as they are trying, they aren’t failing. true failure is when you quit. of course, i am REAL good at giving the advice; LOUSY at taking it.
whatever, i am not throwing in the towel.