saturday night. actually i guess sunday morning – 2am. get up for my usual middle-of-the-night run to the bathroom, return and start to lie down when it hits. i’m not sure how even to describe it.
i’ve had panic attacks before, that’s not what this was. this was fear. unadulturated fear. of myself. i knew i was going to harm myself. i knew it as sure as i knew my own name. and i was petrified. i couldn’t close my eyes. i couldn’t relax out of the terror of what i might do to myself.
i paced the floor. i prayed. i cried. i died a thousand deaths trying to escape this new demon. i called a hotline and talked to someone for an hour, finally calming to the point of being rational and understanding i was still in control and i did not have to hurt myself.
i fell asleep withing ten minutes of hanging up the phone.
last night was not much fun. i stayed awake watching tv until i could not keep my eyes open any longer the drug myself into my room and collapsed on the bed. i woke up this morning exhausted, but alive. i guess maybe i’ve made it past whatever that was saturday night.
i didn’t see anything. didn’t hear anything. i just KNEW i was in danger and i KNEW the danger was myself.
i hope never to be there again.