if one more person wishes me a happy new year i may actually tell them what i think of trite, empty, meaningless phrases.  and IF they actually MEAN to wish me a “happy” new year, then they don’t know me very well.  OR they enjoy watching me seethe and are actually trying to get me upset.   i suppose that’s always a possibility.  more likely to be true.

i am trying to cope.  truly.  lately i am forgetting to take any of my medications in the morning.  and often in the evening.  but the morning one is worse because my anti-anxiety med is a morning med.  so now my nerves are jumpier than a caffeine overdose.  i’m irritable and jumpy.  not a good combination when i’m at work AND i’m the on-call person for the next 7 days which means 24/7 coverage of all priority issues.

and of course without the anti-anxiety med, anything unusual and my brain goes into overdrive – no heart med today, bet i’m having a heart attack.  or no, maybe it’s just anxiety.  damn, now i’m  hyperventilating.  over-react.  over-react.  over-react.

am i forgetting?  or am i trying to kill myself by not taking my heart meds?  there i go again, setting up a panic attack.


oh yippie – another “happy holidays” wisher.

this is not going to be a good day.


4 thoughts on “NO MORE

  1. Well, geez, what am I supposed to post now? Hope you at least had a Merry Festivus. Perhaps we need to develop a new variation on the New Year theme to address your grievances, as Frank Costanza did on Seinfeld. Instead of dropping a shiny silver ball or a big apple on Times Square, we can lower a bag of trash. And after counting down to midnight, everyone shouts, “Wrestle,” and instead of kissing and hugging others, a Greco-Roman free-for-all breaks out.

    I think that would be pretty cool.

    I hope I don’t sound disapproving or anything, and I’m not trying to be mean or cruel. I hear what you’re saying with the false sentiments. Cheers, M

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Marcus,
    I don’t think you are setting yourself up. This is an overwhelming time for you. I know it’s really hard not to hold yourself in contempt. If there is a choice on how you think about yourself, can you try on the positive version (i.e. you simply forgot your medicine)?
    Not sure how exact your medication needs to be. If you have some leeway, can you carry back up doses with you?

    Liked by 2 people

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