the end of another stressful year or the beginning of a new one?

about to start the worst time of my year, from December 24th through January 3rd.  Christmas Eve through the day my brother and his friends first raped me.  i trust no one.  constant anxiety.  lack of sleep.  leaving the bathroom light on because i can’t handle total darkness.  despising my very existence.  hating myself for all the bad that has happened in my life.  angry for every time i had any enjoyment.  positive of the negative effect i have on people in general.

i sit and stare at the screen.  start to type something then backspace and remove it.  past experience tells me the more i share, the less the weight on my shoulders.  releasing this into the ether has typically been beneficial.  but wading through the humiliation of it all is almost unbearable.

i want to crawl in a hole and hide.  i don’t want to be seen – what if someone notices the filth that covers me?  how could they not when it is SO obvious to me?  the anguish is beyond measure.  how did i get through this last year?  WHY should it get through it this year??

the demons scream in my head accusing me of writing this only to get pity and attention.  what if they’re right?  what if denied within myself is the fact that i really have no intention of ever getting better because i thrive on the negativity?

i do wish i could express the level of pain.  spiritual/emotional pain.  the fear.  the terror.  the noise in my head is unfathomable.  i avert my eyes from anyone that should look my way.  shame covers me like a shroud.

dear Lord i don’t know if i can do this again.

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18 thoughts on “the end of another stressful year or the beginning of a new one?

  1. You dear, sweet man! Thank you for having the courage to share something that you had NO control over with us. It was contemptible and horrible and awful, but it in no way makes you any of those things. I’m so, so sorry you had to go through something like that and I am sending as many thoughts and prayers and hugs to you as is possible. Please, please continue on this journey of getting better. You truly are a survivor.

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  2. Man, you have a lot more courage than me. You really humble me. Your holiday memories puts proper perspective on my irritation with the cats, the Internet of Things, complaints about restaurant service and movie-going experiences, and these other pebbles that burden me like they’re boulders when you have true experiences. I really don’t like your brother right now.

    Or his ‘friends’.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Why hate yourself over the despicable acts done to you of which you had ZERO control over? My dear friend, you are not a weight. You are not a burden. You are not worthless. You are not your past. You are not your memories. You are not your nightmares. You are not your brother. You are not your circumstances. You are not your thoughts.

    You are a son of God; deeply loved, valued, and treasured by the Creator of the universe and the very one who gives you breath every single day. He sees you for who you are, stoops into the hell you’re living, and sits with you. He is there. He can be trusted. He can be loved.

    You are so valuable. Your experience speaks to people. Your story brings perspective. Reread the comments above and see the difference you have had on those who you may never have met in person. Look at our friendship and see how sovereign the Lord has been in providing a constant state of encouragement between us. He is watching over you and looking out for you. Preach the Gospel to your heart. God, in His great and merciful love, sent His only Son to bear the weight of your and my sin upon a cross. Suffered, crucified, risen again! There is no power that can overcome you. You are a beloved child of God. I am a beloved child of God.

    Screw Satan. Screw what people did to you in your past. You are not defined by these things. You are hopeful, valuable, loved, treasured, and being sanctified by the hands of God.

    He sees you even when you’d rather be hidden.

    I’ve been preaching this to myself inadvertently all morning after continuing in the same filth I have been fighting for years. I feel as though I will never win. I feel as though I will never please my Father in heaven. Thankfully, our Father in Heaven does not operate on emotion. His truth remains the same everyday. He hates our sin but He constantly calls us to Him. He loves you so very much and so do I.

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  4. There is hope my friend I’m not sure that the noise that we hear will ever go away but if we can change its label. It is not the truth…It never was. It is not accurate or even reliable we know that from the fact that it will change to keep us hurting no matter what input may come. It is then just what it is “noise” and if we can hear it and not have to necessarily believe it then perhaps the volume becomes less. I so hope that might be the case. The noise in me is a thousand nightmares and a million lies all told to myself in an attempt to make sense out of something that is inherently senseless. I hope that this is the year that it becomes better knowing you are not alone.

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  5. Marcus

    I’m proud of your post, many people feel the same way and can’t/won’t get the words out. It’s not a short story it’s reality. The lack of mental health services doesn’t help. 2017 opens the door to a new year, possibly opening time on your knees just chatting with GOD, he can lead you in directions your not comfortable with. GOD is what I depend on, secondly my two Doctors. I’ve seen the same Psychiatrist and Therapist for close to 20 years. Without them I would not be here. Our relationship is strong between all three which is helping maneuver meds with Lyme meds.

    I have several tragic events that left me feeling many of the emotional struggles. We don’t know what the New Year holds for us, Letting go of the trauma of the events is a great idea, damn hard to do. Marcus I care about you, praying you are sent new options without the high cost. I don’t care for Group meetings however several people provided me with good feedback. Gavin/sedge is emerged with a Group/? and says it’s helped him, I think he attends meeting very often. It sounded different than what I think of Group. I hope you talk with him, we are very good friends, he’s 1in6 who managing better, but not cured. Our trauma will never leave, there is no cure just learning different ways to keep standing when you hit a wall.

    Have you looked into ECT? I’ve had 20+, they give me the will to live.

    msandorm@verizon.net let’s talk some off line, You may feel more comfortable talking in private. I don’t want to share my thoughts, for others to read. I am not trying to get in you life, sharing can help sometimes.

    Please remember you are only responsible for yourself & to GOD. If the words come to your pen, write, write everything you want to say, keep a running log of everything you want to say, Don’t send to anyone. Writing helped me as addicted teenager living my punishment in a Convent/Bad Girl School.

    Writing was all I had, I found several years worth this year and shredded them. They don’t burn or make me feel guilty, I packed them away.

    Hugs, jingle bells, snow and Merry Christmas.

    Xx M

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    • thank you, my friend. I’ve never tried ECT – not sure what it is –
      will drop you a note – probably after New Years.
      Have a blessed holidays – talk to you soon.

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  6. Dear Marcus,

    Please try to hold one little truth as you go through these horrible days, you are good. I know it doesn’t feel that way.

    Anniversaries are so hard. For me it’s the week after Memorial Day. Every year part of me is reliving it, moment by moment. And every year on Friday morning at sunrise I breath again. I used to try to fight the replay, certainly hide it. Some years I may have squeaked out a sentence or two. The last few years I’ve been going with my younger self as I remember. I can’t stop what he is going through, but I can comfort him. If you meet 9 year old Marcus today, what would you give him?

    I have only scratched the surface of the powerful words and videos you have posted. Please, your words speak so well for so many.

    Marcus, you are good, please hold that.

    -Brian

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  7. Please hang in there. I cannot even imagine how difficult it is for you to have those traumatic memories. I wish I could do more than just write these words from across a screen. I don’t know what else to say except you are not alone. Anyone who moves a stranger to try to connect to them, has significance. 💙

    Liked by 1 person

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