about to start the worst time of my year, from December 24th through January 3rd. Christmas Eve through the day my brother and his friends first raped me. i trust no one. constant anxiety. lack of sleep. leaving the bathroom light on because i can’t handle total darkness. despising my very existence. hating myself for all the bad that has happened in my life. angry for every time i had any enjoyment. positive of the negative effect i have on people in general.
i sit and stare at the screen. start to type something then backspace and remove it. past experience tells me the more i share, the less the weight on my shoulders. releasing this into the ether has typically been beneficial. but wading through the humiliation of it all is almost unbearable.
i want to crawl in a hole and hide. i don’t want to be seen – what if someone notices the filth that covers me? how could they not when it is SO obvious to me? the anguish is beyond measure. how did i get through this last year? WHY should it get through it this year??
the demons scream in my head accusing me of writing this only to get pity and attention. what if they’re right? what if denied within myself is the fact that i really have no intention of ever getting better because i thrive on the negativity?
i do wish i could express the level of pain. spiritual/emotional pain. the fear. the terror. the noise in my head is unfathomable. i avert my eyes from anyone that should look my way. shame covers me like a shroud.
dear Lord i don’t know if i can do this again.