time for change

The end of the year means a lot of things to a lot of people.  Resolutions, parties, hangovers (?) — the list goes on.  For me it typically means something slightly different…

time to find a doctor

Mind you, with my medical history, i don’t go long without a doctor “of record” to refill prescriptions, etc.  But eventually, within a year’s time, i will be in for a check-up so prescriptions can be verified and the inevitable comes up.

“Marc, when was your last physical?”

Thus begins the end.  My trying to explain why i don’t have full physical exams.  Why, after years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse from older siblings, not to mention once being … mishandled … by a doctor – i don’t relish the idea of some stranger poking and prodding.  But he’s not a stranger – he’s my doctor, right?

WRONG.  He’s someone i see every three or four months for about ten minutes.  That’s a stranger.  i don’t develop trust in under an hour.  And trusting a doctor?  HAH!  Not on your life.

Eventually i will lose my temper with the constant badgering and he’ll say something along the lines of “Maybe it would be good if you found someone else.  I am willing to remain your doctor, of course, but it seems you would be happier with someone else.”  And thus my search begins.

Sooner or later i may run out of doctors with my HMO.  Except they seem to rotate through – old leaving, new coming on – and since i usually change facilities when i change doctors, maybe i can get through the rest of my career without running out.  Heaven only knows i will never repeat a mistake of the past.

I keep hoping that this doctor will be the understanding one, the patient one, the one that will work WITH me to develop that trust so maybe i can find the courage to have a “full physical exam”.

Of course, it wouldn’t hurt if i could find a cute doctor along the way … but that could bring up a whole new raft of problems.


2 thoughts on “time for change

  1. Yes, a whole new set of problems. I understand the anguish with doctors, being raped several time I didn’t go. I could not deal the trauma of my father abusing me. I’d had small visit where it was myDentist, but avaoided doctors in general.
    At 33 I had Brain surgery, I trusted him on spot. If I can trust this Doctor maybe in time I’ll get better. I have a very mean, no way I’m listening, fuck off. I like to keep the fear inside. I’ve spent close to 5 yrs. 2 years figuring out the problem with my heart and shortly after Lyme.

    The huge difference, no doctor is poking around and I plan to avoid.

    I can understand your trust level. One day you’ll find a doctor who listens to you and gains trust before stepping in to sacred ground.


    Liked by 2 people

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