Christmas, 2016

what a year.  this nation has seen crisis after crisis, and political mayhem … but i will most likely remember this as the year i didn’t take my life.  never before has it felt like a viable option.  never before have i felt so empty, useless, and alone.

“alone” is the biggest culprit.  facing this season solitary feels harsh and cruel.  i’ve managed others, so why is this one hitting me so hard?  maybe it’s just after the year i’ve had … maybe it’s the culmination of many empty Christmas/New Years piling together.  maybe it’s my age.  maybe it’s everything together.

don’t get me wrong, i’ve met some good people online through this blog.  and i have my kids and grandkids.  and, being Christmas, i’m busy, as usual, with music.  but … it’s just not enough.  and maybe that makes me sound greedy – maybe i AM greedy – it might even be time for me to be a little self-indulgent.  Lord knows that would be a first.

i should probably take solace in the realization that i intend to finish out this year alive.  that could be seen as a major accomplishment, and maybe it is.  but what good is success when there’s no one to share it with?

with everything else – this could go down as the most miserable, lonely year of my life.  and if the trend follows …

2017 is not something to look forward to.

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12 thoughts on “Christmas, 2016

  1. I remember specifically telling you a few months ago that if there was nothing I could do to help you then I would just stand by you. It may not make a difference in your emotional state but I’m here. I’m for you. So is the Lord. There’s no one on this earth that wants to see you make it into 2017 than myself.

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  2. You need to seek help. Therapy and proper medication. I suffer from depression too, and I work at a Mental Health clinic with the kindest, warmest, most compassionate staff ever. Love my job, especially when we see success stories of people finding life and hope again. Just do it. Your are only alone if you choose to be, because there are plenty to help if you let them.

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    • Thank you for your kind comments!
      I can get “therapy” through my insurance, which I’ve tried – and they are, to be polite, lousy. Outside my insurance – can’t afford it.
      I’ve been burned by “well-meaning” therapists in the past.

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  3. Hey howdy and hugs to you. I definitely feel you right now because this year has been one for the personal history books for me as well. It’s tough seeing what’s been going on, inundated with all the b.s. and such like that. I am not a professional helper, just a person determined (like the Princess Unikitty character in the LEGO movie) to find that silver lining wherever I can, even if it’s another day or another cloud.

    Yes, some days are better than others, as the U2 song says.

    And I’m making a loose rule for myself, an idea sent to me for peace and harmony–relatively speaking. Its now become my mantra for 2017, enough to the point where everybody around me that I physically am around knows NOT to discuss politics with me because I’ll leave the damned room. We’ve had enough of yelling at each other around here. So, my new mantra is: “The First Rule of 2017…Never Talk About 2016.” Perhaps it reeks too much of burying my head in the sand, but I think of it as taking a step back to heal or make sense of it in turns and on my own time.

    Also, I don’t think it’s selfish to want happiness and all–in some respects, we all want that, but we also try too hard to define it. The great philosopher, Oatmeal, has a great comic on that, and I gotta admit, it’s oddly reassuring (to me, anyway): http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy

    Be well, dear. Hugs to you and a cup of virtual hot chocolate.

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  4. Hi Marcus
    I think of you often. I pray 2017 turns in upwards direction, starting today! It pains me to see how you think about yourself. I could tell my stories but that ‘s not what you need. The pain your suffering from would come from a specialist, which sounds like good services are not avail. Sending 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️️

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    • Thanks for that reminder, my friend. I wish for you the happiest of holiday seasons, a gracious and loving Christmas and inspiring New Year.
      Above all, I wish you Peace.

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