i hate this season. At least, i hate what it does to me. The urge to just pull back and withdraw completely is horrible right now. For the past few days i have been resisting the pull to cancel my membership at booksie.com – a site for authors (or would-be authors) to share their work and comment on each others writing. i haven’t been able to produce anything worthwhile for a several weeks now – i just want to delete my membership and give up. And that is soooooooooo like me this time of year.
It is a battle to post on my blog. It’s even a battle to read other blogs. All of that is stepping outside myself and quite honestly, i don’t want to do that right now. ‘Miserable’ doesn’t even come close to describing it.
Writing this post is also proving to be very difficult. i sit in my chair, eyes closed, while half my brain picks at getting back to finish this post and the rest of me daydreams about anything and everything that would keep me from going on.
A few months ago i went out and started buying a new wardrobe. i was eating healthy – dropping weight – feeling good about my progress. As of this morning they are getting tight. My weight is on the rise again. i crave sweets, alcohol, porn – anything to keep me from dealing with ‘real life’.
i have so much more to say but doesn’t look like i’m going to get to it. So rather than let the defeatist in me win out and cancel this – i’m submitting. At least get this out. Don’t know if it’s a ‘yes, i can’ moment, or a desparate call for help.
January is so very, very far away.