fighting the urge to withdraw

i hate this season.  At least, i hate what it does to me.  The urge to just pull back and withdraw completely is horrible right now.  For the past few days i have been resisting the pull to cancel my membership at booksie.com – a site for authors (or would-be authors) to share their work and comment on each others writing.  i haven’t been able to produce anything worthwhile for a several weeks now – i just want to delete my membership and give up.  And that is soooooooooo like me this time of year.

It is a battle to post on my blog.  It’s even a battle to read other blogs.  All of that is stepping outside myself and quite honestly, i don’t want to do that right now.  ‘Miserable’ doesn’t even come close to describing it.

Writing this post is also proving to be very difficult.  i sit in my chair, eyes closed, while half my brain picks at getting back to finish this post and the rest of me daydreams about anything and everything that would keep me from going on.

A few months ago i went out and started buying a new wardrobe.  i was eating healthy – dropping weight – feeling good about my progress.  As of this morning they are getting tight.  My weight is on the rise again.  i crave sweets, alcohol, porn – anything to keep me from dealing with ‘real life’.

i have so much more to say but doesn’t look like i’m going to get to it.  So rather than let the defeatist in me win out and cancel this – i’m submitting.  At least get this out.  Don’t know if it’s a ‘yes, i can’ moment, or a desparate call for help.

January is so very, very far away.

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5 thoughts on “fighting the urge to withdraw

  1. hardly anyone ever makes it through the transition between Fall and Winter, Marcus. Everyone experiences some sort of loss at the bleak outlook: rainy, windy, grey skies, and everything else combines to make it miserable.

    Focus instead on the good things to come. There is nothing more beautiful than Colorado in the winter. Just the view looking west into those peaks covered with pristine snow is enough to lift my spirits.

    So what if you don’t post on Booksie? No big deal. I haven’t posted anything in months, yet I still browse there every day and read what I can. I am in the middle of doing a final edit of my novel You Only Love Twice on theNextBigWriter.com and that is time-consuming. Being retired has advantages, but there are also disadvantages like too much time to sit and think. I get out and walk around the neighborhood if nothing else. Staying active is the key.

    ~Tom

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey howdy. I had a personal crap-fest yesterday, complete with wanting to cry while pouring out my negativity in my morning pages and wringing my hands wondering where the hell I was going to get the energy to do some self-realization. We’re gonna have some major on-and-off days, especially when true winter comes in and sticks around a while (though in my neck of the woods its doing some serious delaying action temperature-wise). We’ll have to really be good to ourselves in all the best ways. The pants will be snug a while, but don’t give up. Believe me, I’ll be telling myself the same thing. As far as writing and cancelling, don’t worry about cancelling that membership–you’re in a brief rut and other crap’s going on. Maybe do some morning pages and let it all out, then have your mind clear to work on other stuff to work on and get your “Aha!” moments back. It’s tough, and I’ve had total stalls on a dozen projects (that haven’t budged much), but we’ll keep trying.

    Liked by 1 person

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