horrible, awful morning [TRIGGERS]

watched one of my favorite crime dramas yesterday afternoon.  i will admit, i enjoy watching the “bad guy” get caught.  i appreciate all the work our law enforcement officers do every day and the danger they step into to “serve and protect”.

one of the episodes yesterday was unsettling.  a teacher that whips his class into a frenzy – teaching them about hate (like anyone needs to LEARN that one) — at one point they are doing a “mock lynching” and have a student blindfolded and tied up and are marching him off into the woods, screaming and yelling.   all in the name of learning, of course.

then the teacher grins and says “strip him”.  and they do.

and i lost it.

all the junk, all the horror of being in that helpless position, feeling yourself degraded and humiliated by people who are SUPPOSED to be your friends.

i spent the next few hours curled up crying.  uncontrolled and inconsolable.

i’m exhausted this morning.  it’s like i ran a dozen 5k’s.  or suffering with the flu.  my muscles have no strength.  my joints ache.  i feel fragile.  brittle.  and overburdened with grief.

this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened.  you’d think by now i would know these kind of shows can trigger me.

i should know better.

sometimes i’m my own worst enemy.


6 thoughts on “horrible, awful morning [TRIGGERS]

  1. I also watch crime shows. I watched on 2 days ago. A series. I was doing great on episode 8. Love then justice is served. Bad guy gets caught. But sure enough one of the bad guys did something to a girl that immediately affected me. I felt hot, like I was going to throw up, pass out, internal pain at the memory. I get so into the show that when something like that happens I am just paralyzed. I should NEVER watch those shows but shoot tv just..unpredictable. For 2 days now I have not been able to remove what a tv show did to my emotions. 2 days. Absurd. But true. Haven’t slept much. Feeling unsettled and agitated and depressed. From a show!!!!! Anyway, just had to share my experience so you knew you weren’t the only one who ends up in a ball freaking feeling helpless.
    Let me say again…I am so so sorry that that happened to you. I am so sorry you were abused. I am so sorry you went through that and that you were left in the hands of horrible people that abused you. No one should EVER go through that. I am so sorry you did and still do.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We do not walk through this alone. Lonely, perhaps, and desparation hits BIG time – but as you just reminded me, we are not the only ones that this happens to. That is not always much comfort – I wish peace for you right now. Keep reminding yourself – it was just a show and yes it triggered memories, but they are not current threats. They are past. You are safe. (I know, next to impossible – just keep reminding yourself)


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