if i had only known

years of therapy to remember the missing years of my childhood.  going over the horrid memories i did have, trying to find threads of good ones to weave into the tapestry.  with one goal in mind – finding my childhood.

then the nightmares started.  i told myself they were just dreams, nothing more.  couldn’t convince myself.  and when i thought i had a handle on it – flashback.  then another.  flashbacks of things i did not remember and now can’t get rid of.

don’t get me wrong, i have found pieces that aren’t devastating.  those brief moments when my life was actually worthwhile.  few and far between maybe, but they were there.  true moments of happiness.

but those crumbs do nothing for removing the stench from the rest of the cake.  putrid filth.  memories that serve to do nothing but shred my insides.  fill me with fear and anxiety.  no – beyond fear.  dread.  or … i don’t think there’s a word for that level of … “fear” (for lack of better word)

so yet one more way i have destroyed my own existence.  i just HAD to know.  HAD to remember.  HAD to understand why i react to things the way i do.

and now … now i get to wait for the final wave.  three years yet that i have nothing.  school, home, nothing.  knowing some of what came before and more from what came after those years…

therapist told me once i’d remember those years like i have everything else — “when i’m able to handle it”.

i pray i never get there.

i never should have started this.

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3 thoughts on “if i had only known

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I CAN relate. I WANTED to know. I started this process of writing a time line, trying to remember. Thinking IF I remembered then I would know ME better and understand myself. The more I started remembering and piecing together the more mortified and tortured I became and I think I was starting to lose the me now looking for the me back then. So I stopped it all. Just this week I out loud said no . No more. I don’t want to know anymore. I don’t need to know any more. Whatever my brain is doing needs to stop because this is a train going out of control and it will crash.
    So currently, I disconnected from Facebook and any memory from any person. I have stopped thinking and I have put up reminders around the house to tell me to quiet my brain even if just for a moment.
    I just wanted to write this to you so you knew that someone out in the huge world was feeling your pain and wishing it away for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you SO much for letting me know. I was beginning to think I was the stupid, crazy person for wanting to know then NOT wanting to know.
      Though I am sad to think you understand I am heartened by the fact I am not alone. It is not wrong to want to turn off the spigot and stop the flood of past information.
      Thank you. I like the ideas of reminders around the house to get me to stop and relax and “quiet the mind” for a while.

      Like

      • You are definitely not alone!
        I went into brain overload.
        I put a little note on my lamp next to my bed that just says “shhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
        I really appreciated you sharing that too because no one I know has felt that way either. Helps to know we thought we wanted understanding in knowing then went NO changed mind bad bad. I hope today gives you a better day.

        Liked by 1 person

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