the morning after a long dark night

It was, all in all, a very nice weekend.  got all the “essentials” done, though i do have some dishes yet to take care of.  Spent time with my music, some time just goofin’ off – time watching a couple of my favorite shows, complete with a bowl of fresh popcorn 🙂

Good night’s sleep Friday and Saturday, wonderful day yesterday.

then last night happened

i would TRULY like to have a couple good days that are NOT followed by a night of flashbacks, dark dreams, and nightmares.  Topped off with a panic attack at 3:30 this morning.  i haven’t had a panic attack in MONTHS.

in fairness to myself, i did handle the attack much better than i have in the past.  didn’t have to call 911 or a hotline – was able to work it out on my own.

but still…  what is it about me that brings out these horrible nights anytime i start to have a good life???????????????????????


8 thoughts on “the morning after a long dark night

  1. In dream study it has been noted that anniversaries are mentioned – could it be that? That said, i had a restless night to, woke up frustrated. I blamed it on the presidential debate – shouldn’t have watched it. Sometimes I think there’s just something in the air.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good morning Marcus
    I’m blessed to not spend much time with my past. Except when I started helping someone who wanted to commit suicide, the tears and prayers for her have triggered painful thought of my father. I don’t understand how our brain connects with body to create havoc. I had pain attacks more when younger. Mine were crazy, usually by intense stress. I’m claustrophobic, after diving close to 20 years, had a panic attack when feet were barely in water. It broke my heart, 1999 closed a chapter on my diving.
    You have a tidal pool on your brain at times/ maybe all the time, probably enough to cause an upheaval and your brain says, do want apart of that. It’s a great conversation to have with your Therapist. They may help sort out what is happening that causes unrest after a couple of good days. I hate to say, say only because it was ask of me and believe my Therapist was right. While working thru the worst times, my brain was setting me up, actually I was doing to myself, I didn’t think worthy of happiness.
    Enjoy every second and use the tools you have for days that suck. Hope any of this makes sense.
    You know I care about you and if anything can help you, I want to help.
    Big Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is no doubt that I don’t feel worthy of happiness. I sabotage myself a lot. But that’s when I’m awake. Accepting that I do it in my sleep is a little off-putting. Of course, I don’t remember my dreams, never have that I know of … so if I’m chopping off any joy during REM, I guess I shouldn’t be totally surprised.
      I keep telling myself, I talked myself through it this time – I didn’t need “outside help” – I didn’t totally freak. I didn’t get dizzy or lightheaded. It never went to full-blown panic. And I rest in that.


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