another sunrise

Marcus The Daily Grind

i have debated writing this.
i’ve never liked admitting when i’ve failed even though the vast majority of my life is one colossal failure.right now just the simple act of keeping my mind on anything but my death is a major undertaking.
turn on the news, listen to the stories of all the young that have died when all they wanted was to live.
then consider one who simply wants it all to be over, but is stuck on the living side of the equation.
it sound trite yet it is true.
life is not fair.

14 thoughts on “another sunrise”

  1. Oh, my dear friend. A purpose you indeed have. You know this. The Lord knows this. Do you think that the God of the Universe, the One who woke you up this morning, the One who is sovereign, is wasting His time?

    I love you dearly and I hate seeing you suffer. The Lord knows your pain and He has a purpose for you and it is this: Preach the Gospel that set(s) you free from the grasp of hell and the consequence of sin (eternal death.) There are people, like you and me, who are hurting and need Jesus. We dont have it all together but despite the days when we dont feel like it, we have the most hope anyone could ever have.

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  2. Life is not fair, but we have to take what life has given us, and run with it. I know how it can be, when grieving a loss puts you into a depression. Remember. There are people out there (like me) that are ready to help you through the tough times, though you may not realize it. Be well, my friend.

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  3. Marcus
    I’ve felt that many times, now I try to avoid media, it just brings me down and adds to any negative feeling I have towards myself.
    You’ve got me, I’m still here, not going anywhere, I support you in my payers, thoughts of you every day. Lean on me, I’m a good listener and can gab just the same. I care about you Marcus,
    Hugs
    M

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  4. Yes, sometimes life is like being in the toilet bowl. It’s flushed and going around and down without control or input.

    Then there is your post, telling me I’m not alone with these shifts and worries, and it’s helpful. If misery loves company, pain likes to know it’s not unique.

    Thanks for sharing.

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    • “If misery loves company, pain likes to know it’s not unique.”
      wow – what a quote! I love wisdom when it’s contained in small, precise packages. Thank you so much. You know, when I wrote what happened to yesterday? — I never thought about a toilet bowl to describe the water vortexing down the drain …. How utterly appropriate!

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  5. My friend I believe you need to recognize your purpose. Your writing touches all of us. During my two week rest period from blogging I missed you and so many others than entertained, inspired, and made me think.

    You would be missed.

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  6. Marcus

    I’m helping someone who wants to commit suicide. Like many with mental illness, trauma or high anxiety. The voices in her head have convinced her it’s the right thing to do. She just accepted she has a mental illness, Borderline Personality Disorder, very scary for anyone. She is still resisting meds and stops after a few days.

    I’m not a trained Therapist. I was diagnosed with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder at 19 yrs old. Now 53, I’ve been thru tough challenges. My father committed suicide in 1992, the two people who loved me unconditionally are with God, it’s very difficult if your partner doesn’t understand mental illness, let alone your’s.

    All I can tell her is my experiences of wanting to kill myself. And not really wanting to kill myself, the Black Dog pulls me down to hell. When I reach bottom, I’m delusional, suicidal almost immediately, hearing voices, seeing people in the wall paper, afraid one will jump out of wallpaper. The only way for to survive is knowing (Husband knowing) I need ECT Treatments now.

    She can’t think of anything because of all the talking in her head and not wanting to leave her son behind.
    I’ve been talking to her daily for months, trying to explain, she may not want to kill herself, it may be the voices, lack of meds, and stopping after a few days, Her anxiety is out of control and a ticking clock.

    Tonight we talked email approx.15 times. The message dig deep down, think about how meds including anxiety meds could improve her life. If she can make it one more night there’s a chance she’ll make another day.

    I don’t have any answers, just know my abusive background, what I’ve lived thru, the number of times tried suicide unsuccessfully. Once I found the right team treating mental illness with meds and seeing a Therapist on regular basis, my life changed. I’ve seen the same Psychiatrist and Therapist for almost 20 years.In that time, I worked thru some of the hardest memories but life comes at us everyday.

    Maybe I’ve said a pile of bullshit, it’s the only way I know how to relate. Honest, share similar experiences and let them know they are the one person who can change the plan. I always end with get on your knees until they hurt asking God for guidance and praising him for the great parts of your life.
    There are many corners of Marcus I don’t know, if you haven’t worked thru the pain, enough so it doesn’t drive the car, that may bring up the feelings of suicide.
    Sending big hugs
    I’m always here
    🙂
    M

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    • Sometimes I think the best ‘therapy’ comes from listening to another who has been down similar roads. The turns, bumps, pitfalls – they may all be different, but the effects on us are too often very much alike. Not that we know how each other feels, but we know how we have felt in those circumstances.
      Meeting someone who can understand and truly HEAR us is such a major player in our living out each day.
      Your friend is very fortunate to know you. I hope she continues the “good fight” – continues to accept she is worth the effort.
      My thoughts and prayers are with you in that respect. It is sometimes a slippery ledge – please watch your footing, not just hers …. ok?
      As always, thank you for being there and for hearing me.

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