defiance

fearful, abandoned, lost, alone
   yesterday’s feelings still echo loudly
       down the halls of my memory
   emotions affixed to a point in time
so long ago
   and yet
      so recent

the fear is gone
   replaced by anger and wrath
       fury’s fire forever flaming forward

no longer abandoned
   reclaimed by self
      the adult shell
            that covers the hiding place of the child

still lost, though no longer hopeless
I’ve learned to plot my course
   on a day-by-day
      sometimes step-by-step
   basis

and now surrounded
   by so many peers
   no longer alone

yet the loneliness is greater now
   than ever before
and most likely
   less than it will be
      tomorrow

no longer speechless
   or lost in situations for which no words
      can exist
         for such a young heart
I now have a voice
   and I speak out the past
each word a driven nail
   piercing the root
      of old shadows

the greatest change being age
   the irresistible force that molds me
      twists and tears
   until by appearance
       I more resemble the perpetrator
          than the victim

and yet it is change

and though I may weep
   as I claw through the rubble
      and the ashes
          of my youth

         not quite a phoenix

I do arise

and
   I
      will
         continue