not so strange

someday
      maybe someday i will understand
   how those who know me not
can tell me
         “it will be ok”

i used to believe that
      hope for it
   dream of it
but there have been so many
               too many
            years
   of desperation
            and depression
         to even consider being
      “ok”

i sit
   and pound my fist into my leg
         repeatedly
i used to think it would relieve pain
      it doesn’t
   nothing relieves this pain

the bruising is ugly
   but at least
      I’m not cutting
         so it’s not that bad

and when i hurt a lot on the outside
            it’s so much easier
      to forget the pain
         on the inside

                  at least for a while

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7 thoughts on “not so strange

  1. Reassurance is a kind sentiment kind strangers relay when no other options seem available. If taken in this context, a sense of confusion may change into a feeling of gratitude. In general, people mean well. Accepting these intentions may help create a better understanding to why they say, “it will be ok.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • “Reassurance is a kind sentiment kind strangers relay when no other options seem available.” Yes – I have found this to be true, much of the time. And yes, the issue becomes accepting their comments as well-meaning.
      If I could believe the words “it will be ok” that might be better … but having someone kind stop to listen and respond helps a lot in itself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope you realize that 95+% of your comments that deal with your difficulties include a positive message. Although we have never met, I believe your challenging path must have purpose. I have never met a person experiencing so much darkness that refused to let go of hope. In addition, you ACT upon your desire for a better future. I’m sure I’m not the only person that has seen this impressive character trait. Many people suffering depression and other challenges will pick up on this as well giving them a perspective from someone they can relate to.

        Liked by 2 people

        • I never thought about it – so no, had no idea I sent out that much “positive vibration”. In fact, I would have stated just the opposite to be true.
          But I will conceded I refuse to let go completely of hope. There are times when I feel like that old cat hanging on the end of a rope — but letting go just isn’t in me. I would say that comes from my faith, and it carries a strength sometimes I don’t even recognize. As sure as I am sometimes that tomorrow will be worse than today, there’s that flicker of hope that refuses to die. I don’t understand it – but I know better than to mess with it. As for “acting” on desire for better future … I’ve done the other – sit in the pool of depression. For too long. I know the nowhere-ness that gets me.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I can so identify with this post and the pain inside, and the pain outside that we cause, trying so desperately to ease that inner pain. I struggle often, but I’ve gotten past purposely causing pain, but I still have much bruising on my legs, due to the fact that I am so careless about what happens when I run my legs into things in my power wheelchair.

    Liked by 1 person

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