counting sheep is for shepherds

I hate sleepless nights.  Technically early [EARLY] mornings.  Wake up at 1:30/2:00am and can’t go back to sleep.  Mind just will not shut down.  Therapist once told me to start writing.  Whatever’s on my mind.  Just write.  Tried that once.  Started to go into a realm of memories I wanted I did not wish to look at.  Panic.  Anxiety.  And then depression over getting to that spot and not being able to handle it.

So now I just lay there.  Try to rest.  If my mind won’t, maybe the body will.  You ever try just being still and quiet when the brain is overcharged?  Well, it does not work for me.  Toss and turn.  Tear up the bed.  End up in my easy chair staring at the blinds across the room.  Or the blank TV.

Then 4:30 rolls around and now it’s time to get started for the day.  About now is when the mind says it’s time to go back to sleep.  I guess sleep is better than facing another day of reality.  Even if sleep is worse than the possibility of dreaming about the past.

I’ve tried sleep aids – and they work – I zonk out until morning.  But I stand the chance of over sleeping.  Or worse – wake up all druggy and sluggish.  I hate that more than I do the drowsiness of not sleeping.  So as a general rule – pills are out.  [of course, I could use some pills to wake me up fully and get me through the day …]

Wikipedia references counting sheep as early as the twelfth century, if you tend to believe what you read there.  Sometimes I wonder about the accuracy of information at wikipedia…  However, it does mention a study on insomnia that supposedly showed that sleep could be found “by any number of complex activities that expend mental energy.”  So instead of counting sheep – one, I suppose, should imagine more active and intense activities.  Again, should you believe what you find online…

Lack of sleep makes me irritable.  Being irritable makes me less likely to be open to new ideas.  Which means I stay in this wonderful loop of not sleeping; being upset with myself for not sleeping; and thus – not sleeping.

I am going to take a vacation.  I have the time that I need to use, so on Saturday I’m going to go … somewhere.  I’ll pick a place, I’m sure – all I know is I’m getting away from the house and the job and the news media, and – even – online.  That may be rough, but I think it needs to be done.  My earlier “sabbatical” from online, if nothing else, showed me getting away from an everyday activity had merit.  So we’ll see what getting away from ALL everyday activities can do for me.

First I just need to get through this week…