how loud can you scream

i’ve been told my voice carries well.  i suppose that’s just a polite way of saying i’m loud.  that’s ok, i know it’s true – whispering has never come natural to me.  perhaps it’s because as a child i learned first hand just how scary, just how painful secrets can be.  not to say i can’t speak quietly; i just have to work at it.  even my normal speaking voice is metered out; every bit of attention is given to ensure i am not blaring.

yet, even with the tone and strength of my voice, i cannot truly yell.  yes, i can call out to someone, for example, at the park or across a crowded room, but the ability to truly scream is beyond me.  a therapist told me once if i was unable to scream, i probably need to.  i’ve beat pillows and thrown things in private sessions and group settings, but never with accompanied by shouting.

while it is true in those times when i am very angry i am also capable of yelling.  but even then there is this restraint inside holding me back from “truly letting go”.  and i often wonder why.  what is sitting back in my forgotten past that keeps me from being able to release my voice?  what (or who) am i so afraid of that it stifles me, even when angry?  it is certainly not “self control”.  this is a power so great i cannot break through it.

i’m also not sure why any of this even matters to me – except there is a nagging doubt in my mind that if my life depended on someone hearing me, i would be unable to scream.  even for help.  i do know that fear, or restraint, or whatever it is definitely stems from my childhood.  i can sense the time frame it relates to.  but that’s as far as i can get and sometimes (like now) it is maddening.

why do i continue to allow something from my past to squelch my expression?

what happened to kill the voice that cries for help?

maybe that’s why i blog.  it’s the only way i have to try to let others know of my pain.