i’ve been told my voice carries well. i suppose that’s just a polite way of saying i’m loud. that’s ok, i know it’s true – whispering has never come natural to me. perhaps it’s because as a child i learned first hand just how scary, just how painful secrets can be. not to say i can’t speak quietly; i just have to work at it. even my normal speaking voice is metered out; every bit of attention is given to ensure i am not blaring.
yet, even with the tone and strength of my voice, i cannot truly yell. yes, i can call out to someone, for example, at the park or across a crowded room, but the ability to truly scream is beyond me. a therapist told me once if i was unable to scream, i probably need to. i’ve beat pillows and thrown things in private sessions and group settings, but never with accompanied by shouting.
while it is true in those times when i am very angry i am also capable of yelling. but even then there is this restraint inside holding me back from “truly letting go”. and i often wonder why. what is sitting back in my forgotten past that keeps me from being able to release my voice? what (or who) am i so afraid of that it stifles me, even when angry? it is certainly not “self control”. this is a power so great i cannot break through it.
i’m also not sure why any of this even matters to me – except there is a nagging doubt in my mind that if my life depended on someone hearing me, i would be unable to scream. even for help. i do know that fear, or restraint, or whatever it is definitely stems from my childhood. i can sense the time frame it relates to. but that’s as far as i can get and sometimes (like now) it is maddening.
why do i continue to allow something from my past to squelch my expression?
what happened to kill the voice that cries for help?
maybe that’s why i blog. it’s the only way i have to try to let others know of my pain.