how loud can you scream

i’ve been told my voice carries well.  i suppose that’s just a polite way of saying i’m loud.  that’s ok, i know it’s true – whispering has never come natural to me.  perhaps it’s because as a child i learned first hand just how scary, just how painful secrets can be.  not to say i can’t speak quietly; i just have to work at it.  even my normal speaking voice is metered out; every bit of attention is given to ensure i am not blaring.

yet, even with the tone and strength of my voice, i cannot truly yell.  yes, i can call out to someone, for example, at the park or across a crowded room, but the ability to truly scream is beyond me.  a therapist told me once if i was unable to scream, i probably need to.  i’ve beat pillows and thrown things in private sessions and group settings, but never with accompanied by shouting.

while it is true in those times when i am very angry i am also capable of yelling.  but even then there is this restraint inside holding me back from “truly letting go”.  and i often wonder why.  what is sitting back in my forgotten past that keeps me from being able to release my voice?  what (or who) am i so afraid of that it stifles me, even when angry?  it is certainly not “self control”.  this is a power so great i cannot break through it.

i’m also not sure why any of this even matters to me – except there is a nagging doubt in my mind that if my life depended on someone hearing me, i would be unable to scream.  even for help.  i do know that fear, or restraint, or whatever it is definitely stems from my childhood.  i can sense the time frame it relates to.  but that’s as far as i can get and sometimes (like now) it is maddening.

why do i continue to allow something from my past to squelch my expression?

what happened to kill the voice that cries for help?

maybe that’s why i blog.  it’s the only way i have to try to let others know of my pain.

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17 thoughts on “how loud can you scream

  1. I get the seriousness of what you are posting and I think if your life depended on it. You would break the sound barrier to survive and live. We all express ourselves in different ways, Marcus. On a lighter note- it did make me laugh about you saying -how your voice carries. I’m always being told to use my inside voice. Sorry, I don’t mean to mock the serious point of your post. I just think I will use that phrase from now on. Have a good weekend. 🙂

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    • Thanks for the good words 🙂 And I don’t feel you “mocked the seriousness” of my post any. I’m glad someone can relate to my being told “inside voice, inside voice”. As to whether I would “break the sound barrier” if needed, I guess I hope I never have to find out …
      Have a great weekend also!

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  2. I have nightmares that i need to scream and i cant. I worry i wont be able to s ream either. I dud try out my scream a few weeks ago when my neighbor was yelling at his dogs and i screamed at the top of my lungs and yep i can scream . My fear is can i when i need to. Your blog and mine are great reminders that we do have a voice.

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  3. Interesting. I think youve just inspired my next poem.

    Meanwhile your post sounds like those nightmares where you wake up because you cant scream. Just a thought: Can you sing? Can you yodel or do the whaaa whaaa of a blue light siren? Try it …

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    • Interesting questions – I’ll have to give it a try.
      PS – if you write a poem from this “inspiration” – please let me know so I can come see it??

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  4. Marcus
    You aways have a voice with me, and from what I can see is many others. You continue to walk into dark corners of the unknown. I know the longer you work thru the past with your Therapist the answers will come. I’m grateful you reblogged to Survivors. I’ve missed your post and didn’t want to reblog with out talking to you. Our conversations can’t take place in comments I need to make sure you & I have confidence.
    Hugs
    M

    Liked by 1 person

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