fearful thursday

i can’t explain why i’m afraid or where the fear is coming from.  so i can’t answer whether it’s a “healthy fear” or just a “fear of the dark”.  but it’s a nervous and anxious fear.

OCD is rearing its ugly head.  walking down the sidewalk, mindful to only step on a crack IF it hits the center of my left arch.  why the left?  and why the point where my arch is the highest?  so my foot clears the crack?  and if it were always the left maybe i could make sense out of it, but there are days when it’s the right foot.  but typically the right foot must clear and the left foot hit when it comes to those “joints” in the cement.

that kind of thing usually hits when i’m avoiding something.  so, i’m heavy OCD at the moment.  what am i avoiding?  that thing that i fear.  and what is it i fear at the moment?  i wish i could tell you – but i have no idea.

right now i’m living like a ten or eleven year old – if i were to try to put an age to this whatever-it-is.  and that would be about right since the rape happened when i was nine.  at least, the one i remember.

the fear is real.  that dark thing there in the shadows – it’s real too.

and i’m pretty sure i know what it is.  i just won’t admit it.

… except there are spiders present … and that typically means my oldest sister …




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