watched the fireworks last night. wasn’t going to – they were never a plus for me growing up. they were a big-enough deal for the family, maybe that’s why I was so against being involved. by the time I hit sixteen I was able to not attend, much to my parents dismay – but by then the abuse was mostly over except for mental/emotional. and I suppose my not going to the festivities just gave my father more fuel.
but anyhoo, I actually went out and watched them last night. could have gone with the memories of watching them with the kids when they were little, or in memory of Mitchel and I going – how he loved them! The whole “social” thing was so much in tune with who he was – so much OUT of tune of who I am… But we had good times.
but I went for me. I wanted to see them. and, to be honest, I had to fight my way against my own self out of the condo and into the parking lot to sit and watch. my angst-ridden inner child wanted nothing to do with them. yet for whatever reason, I did. and it was nice. good to remember why I still love this country and be thankful for the men and women that support it.
the night went as one would expect, I suppose. nightmares and flashbacks. every “boom” of the fireworks was a mental hit of a fist. I was exhausted by the time I hit the bed, but sleep was definitely not in the picture. finally took something for the pain in my knees and was able to relax enough to get a couple hours before getting up for work this morning.
the question is always “would you do that again”, and when I crawled out of bed this morning I would have said “no”. the wonderful, cool, refreshing evening and grand display were not worth the agony I had all night long. but now that I’m at work and more awake, I see things a little differently.
I took a step out of my comfort zone last night – and I lived through it. I am, for the most part, no worse for wear. and I’m sure if I were still in therapy my therapist would find several sessions to fuel with my pain throughout last night … but I’m not going to dwell on it. or at least I’m going to TRY not dwelling on it. the dreams, the flashbacks – yes, they happened. but they happen often enough anyway. I had an hour last night when I enjoyed life, such as it was sitting there just watching. I got to hear the soft reactions from others that were sitting in the same area – some younger children. and for a moment, a short but blessed moment, all was right in my world.
if I hold onto anything from last night, let it be the fact that I do not regret watching. that I enjoyed myself. that I can take journeys outside the precious small ground I’ve cut out for myself and live to tell of it.
let me remember I still know how to live.