after the show is over

watched the fireworks last night.  wasn’t going to – they were never a plus for me growing up.  they were a big-enough deal for the family, maybe that’s why I was so against being involved.  by the time I hit sixteen I was able to not attend, much to my parents dismay – but by then the abuse was mostly over except for mental/emotional.  and I suppose my not going to the festivities just gave my father more fuel.

but anyhoo, I actually went out and watched them last night.  could have gone with the memories of watching them with the kids when they were little, or in memory of Mitchel and I going – how he loved them!  The whole “social” thing was so much in tune with who he was – so much OUT of tune of who I am…  But we had good times.

but I went for me.  I wanted to see them.  and, to be honest, I had to fight my way against my own self out of the condo and into the parking lot to sit and watch.  my angst-ridden inner child wanted nothing to do with them.  yet for whatever reason, I did.  and it was nice.  good to remember why I still love this country and be thankful for the men and women that support it.

the night went as one would expect, I suppose.  nightmares and flashbacks.  every “boom” of the fireworks was a mental hit of a fist.  I was exhausted by the time I hit the bed, but sleep was definitely not in the picture.  finally took something for the pain in my knees and was able to relax enough to get a couple hours before getting up for work this morning.

the question is always “would you do that again”, and when I crawled out of bed this morning I would have said “no”.  the wonderful, cool, refreshing evening and grand display were not worth the agony I had all night long.  but now that I’m at work and more awake, I see things a little differently.

I took a step out of my comfort zone last night – and I lived through it.  I am, for the most part, no worse for wear.  and I’m sure if I were still in therapy my therapist would find several sessions to fuel with my pain throughout last night … but I’m not going to dwell on it.  or at least I’m going to TRY not dwelling on it.  the dreams, the flashbacks – yes, they happened.  but they happen often enough anyway.  I had an hour last night when I enjoyed life, such as it was sitting there just watching.  I got to hear the soft reactions from others that were sitting in the same area – some younger children.  and for a moment, a short but blessed moment, all was right in my world.

if I hold onto anything from last night, let it be the fact that I do not regret watching.  that I enjoyed myself.  that I can take journeys outside the precious small ground I’ve cut out for myself and live to tell of it.

let me remember I still know how to live.

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5 thoughts on “after the show is over

  1. I’m glad you were able to get out and enjoy them my friend. I’m sorry to hear about the flashbacks but don’t let them make you forget your step forward. Forward motion is better than no motion. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes! We all need to remember how to live from time to time. So glad you were able to find a positive outlook to a very triggering event. That’s some amazing growth! 💙

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