not exactly a loss of words

I’ve been sitting here trying to define how I feel.  What I feel.  My last therapist would tell me to quit trying to put it “in a box” and just feel.  Whatever it is.

That’s not so easy for me.  I like things all nice and tidy.  If I’m feeling sad, I want to understand I’m sad.  It would be even nicer if I knew WHY I was sad, but at least knowing that’s what I am feeling would be good.  But I can’t put a label on this.  It is … not depression.  Not exactly.  It’s more like sad depression braided with loneliness, emptiness, and a need to be … not sad, depressed, empty, or lonely.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense.  Just deciding to post this was difficult because I’m a person who makes a living writing instructional documentation, and intuitive software interfaces and making myself understood.  Maybe it’s the writer in me.  But this…  I’m at a loss.

So why is it even important for me to be understood?  Still part of that ‘being a writer’ bit I suppose.

I only know I hate this.  I hate this …void … of meaning.  Or understanding.  Or whatever the hell this is.

I do know one thing, I need to be not alone anymore.  Not want.  Need.

Just typing that starts the tears.

I need to get away from me for a while.  I can’t stand this anymore.

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20 thoughts on “not exactly a loss of words

  1. I have been alone a lot too lately and it is not good.. I am trying to do some things to change it but it is not that easy… I just wanted to say that I can relate to loneliness.
    Please know that you have a cyber friend here, at least. I know it might not help much, but thought I’d reach out and say it anyway.
    Take care, and sending (cyber) hugs! 🌸⚘

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’ve had my own experiences with this feeling. For me it is like wanting to crawl out of my own skin. It usually happens when I’ve been alone in my own thoughts for too long. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Sending you love.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I understand exactly what you mean about the neat and tidy feelings! I am the same. But you are not alone My Friend. I oftentimes read the comments on your posts and it is apparent to me that you are cared about. I care as well. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey, i’ve been in that boat. Try to make changes, get out of a depressive state (can’t afford doctor visits and don’t know enough about therapists to see if that would work…and if i could afford one…and I don’t want pills just because), be uncertain as to what you’re supposed to do for yourself, and who knows what happens afterward. I’m trying to be more outgoing and less lonely and be there for people, but it’s hard to do when nobody’s interested in talking to living breathing human beings (and my chattiness gets in the way–makes me want to kick myself). I was feeling sad myself earlier, and not entirely certain as to why, just noticing that it’s there, in some way, shape or form.

    It’s tough to deal with, and I’m trying to find ways to do it myself, so I feel ya. I hope in the months since you’ve been doing better. I’ll be looking for more ways to help myself and find ways to be less lonely. Honestly, though, I think trying to find ways to be sociable and being shut down because I can’t find anyplace to go that won’t suck up all my gas…it makes me sadder because I’ve failed. But I know I have to keep trying.

    Hugs, and be well. We’re all lonely people at times, even in the middle of a crowded room…its finding our niche that’s tough (and yeah, it could be an introverted writer thing–it seems to be going around…)

    Like

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