to dream the impossible dream

Watched ‘Victor/Victoria’ last night (again).  Have always enjoyed the humor in the story, not to mention the fresh story idea.  Then spent a while day-dreaming/crying/thinking.

One can be happy being someone they’re not, as long as the society you wish to mix with, buys the charade and accepts the pretense.  But to be “happy”, not to mention have a real relationship with someone, that pretense needs to be discarded.  The mask dropped.

The desire to be accepted as one is, for who one is, while truly being one’s self … is a  potent drink.  Addicting in hopes and dreams but nearly impossible to attain.  At least, for someone who has never really been “true to self”.  First it would appear you need to fully accept yourself before you can expect others to do the same.  And, I guess, if you truly can accept you who are, then it matters little whether “society” accepts you.  At least fully.  Having grown up without acceptance, I have no real buoy marking that place of “being ok”.  Having struggled for so long to be accepted for others — how do I grasp the concept of letting go of others’ approvals and just look for my own?

To thine own self be true?

Yeah, right.  First figure who that is.  If you can make that milestone, you’re already at the edges of uncertainty, teetering on the edge of that black hole called “self acceptance”.

I’d be happy just knowing where that stupid thing is.

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4 thoughts on “to dream the impossible dream

  1. My friend, it is within yourself!

    *insert collective eye roll here*

    I feel you on this one in my own limited way. It’s an incredible risk, loving someone. Lest we even mention being loved? Like you said, the pretense has to be dropped. All of those defensive walls have to be taken down and then what? You’re left open and susceptible to attacks. I can say that when those walls came down for me it was hard. I’m still fighting it. I have many days where my body screams to put up my defenses and run. Despite these things, I know that God loves me, He’s healing me, and that letting down my walls (bit by bit) was the best thing I could have done for myself.

    I don’t know what you believe about God but I know He loves you and can heal you. I’m here for you my friend!

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    • I am sure in my heart God is the one who actually DOES know me — better than me even. He knows who I am and who I was created to be. I know he hurts when I stifle that part of me, but there’s so much that’s still hard to accept. As for walls – yeah, I play “brick out – brick in” with the walls a lot. Someday, maybe … they’ll be open for someone special again to see who I am hidden away in here….
      Thank you so much for commenting 🙂

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  2. I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing that film yet though I’ve heard things about it over the years.
    If you don’t really know who you are, I’m guessing you do at least know who you want to be. Is that accessible? Will being the person you want to be involve moving to where no-one will know who you were before? It’s all a matter of balances isn’t it. Will making certain moves be too costly in other ways.
    I’m sure you already know that you have the support of friends in the cyber world because it doesn’t matter to us who you are if we like you for just being you.
    Hugs

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    • Thanks, David. Actually, I imagine I do know who I am behind the masks… Not sure I’m that proud of him, which is probably why I still have issues accepting him. But I do know him (me) to be loving, faithful friend, talented (UGH was THAT hard to say) and not a bad sense of humor … when it shows at all 😉

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