and the beat goes on

a new year
and?

nothing
and nothing

it’s a new year but nothing has changed
nothing changesok… not quite true
pain changes
it gets worse

it’s been a shaky few days
but the scratches are healing
the one at my eye is scary
an inch lower and I could have put it out
definitely unsettling

but who can I tell?
no one
I refuse to be committed
or to submit myself for “observation”

I’m not a test subject

ok, so I’m major depressed
I’ve been there before

ok, sure, I had meds then
but meds just screw my brain
if I can’t do this cold
it’s not worth doing

I’m not making a lot of sense
except to me

yet through it all
one truth remains

nothing changes

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3 thoughts on “and the beat goes on

  1. Hello Marcus, “What matters is I’m walking forward, away from being a victim. I am a survivor.” I feel for your excruciating pain, it hurts to read and I hope relief finds you soon. So, I went to your about page and found the perfect quote from when you were in a better frame of mind. You are walking forward and your crushing current state of depression does not negate the progress you have made, the strength you have summoned from within yourself, yet it is a part of you, but not all of you. I disagree nothing changes. You have changed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the smile, Christina. Sometimes the fog gets so thick I guess I forget what’s out there beyond it. The depression, the incredible lows, the pain and confusion hurts like it always has. It gets real easy to forget that outside the bubble life is not what it was. Thanks for reminding me — though using my own words is a rather … um … cheeky trick, lol. Yes. Still moving forward. Far from where I was. Not even close to where I’d like to be, but not where I was. And if the feelings around me feel the same, unchanged – the person inside is not. He has grown. I have grown. Thanks. So very much.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Woo-hoo Marcus! You made my day, I’ll take cheeky 😉 I agree with you, depression is a brutal beast to do battle with and yes, exactly, it feels like you are in a bubble. Take care my friend, you’re in my thoughts.

        Like

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