what does ‘apology’ mean to you

to me, it’s a matter of the heart
and is often difficult at times to voice
occasionally embarrassing / humiliating

I have received word that when I removed a comment made to my MaleSurvivor post, and subsequently blogged on that issue [ anger management ]- I was in the wrong.  I read.  I re-read.  And I saw where I had gone awry.  I apologized to the writer, but was told since I wrote the post and removed the comment publicly, my apology should be public.  When I mentioned humiliation, I was told if you’re humiliated, you’re not truly apologizing.

I disagree completely with that statement.  Being humiliated by the sperm-donor anytime I accepted and admitted I did wrong has placed a heavy scar on my life.  Feelings are never wrong.  How we handle them could be – but having a feeling is not wrong.  Feeling humiliation for admitting wrong and apologizing is still apologizing.  Not accepting my feelings as valid … I’m not going there.  I may offend yet again and that is not the purpose of this post.  [maybe I’ll address feelings in a future post] …there is always the possibility the humiliation comes from admitting i’m wrong, not from apologizing.  the two acts are just melded so tightly in my mind i can’t tell where it comes from…

However, I have hurt someone – which, for me, is never right – to which I apologize.  The post I wrote was written in haste and in anger – and I know better than posting in times like that.

I am truly sorry for hurting someone’s feelings by over-reacting to their comment and not communicating with them to get the complete story.  It was not the correct move for me to make.  I do regret it.  In the process I lost a possible contact with another survivor.  Worse – I annihilated the chance for a friend, and I don’t have enough friends to chase them away, much less before they even become a friend.

I was wrong.  And for that I am sorry.

ps – as this is an extremely personal post – I have disabled any comments on it.  if you feel you must comment, please use my contact information, but know comments are not required for me.

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