ugly day

Can days be ugly? Stupid question – of course they can. Otherwise why would I title this post “ugly day”. i suppose one might think i mean a day where people are ugly, but it’s the day. The day is definitely ugly. It’s one of those days where i want to withdraw from society. Pull my writing, my book, my blog, everything. Just yank it off the net and give up on it.

i’ve put so much time into the book. Into this blog as well, i guess. It hurts to think i want to yank em, but there it is. i want to pull trash them. Just don’t ask me why. i don’t know why. except i do.

This is a notoriously bad time of year. So many nightmares culminate in the next two months.

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This post has sat around a while in draft format. Saved, just not shared. i do that a lot. Write stuff i never share. Eventually throw them away. i don’t want to do that anymore but i can feel it growing. The desire – the NEED to destroy everything. To prove one more time that anyone who expends any effort reading my stuff or talking to me or even thinking about me is just wasting their time.

i don’t like feeling this way. there’s just nothing else for me to do but wait it out and see how it ends. Will he or won’t he pull the plugs. Will i?

i hate being like this

7 thoughts on “ugly day

  1. I have had those same feelings, believe me. Just wanting to tear everything down and start all over and hide from the world. But doing that only ever let’s you reach a certain point before you have to restart all over again. Change starts when you get to that point and ignore those instincts and keep at it anyway. Please don’t give it all up and pull the plug.

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  2. You know, I don’t know what causes those feelings but I’ve had, over the last 5 years, 3 blogs, all of which I finally tore down never to be seen again. A lot of work went into them. I enjoyed them. I think the issue was that they were so personal they made me feel stuck. A collection of posts of a person I had moved beyond, one that did not describe me any more. It was like keeping dirty laundry around, or clothes that didn’t fit any more. The investment in blogging is only as good as the pleasure you get back out. If you are no longer enjoying it, don’t look at it as a death or a failure, but perhaps entertain the fact that you may have grown past it. It can be very cathartic to destroy it. I write for 2 hours in a journal each morning and then I shred it. I don’t want to keep it around, just want to empty my head. Blogging is intense, therapeutic, but not an endless life sentence. You can always start again with your newer and better self. I say have the courage to destroy the past! But please, do come back.

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    • There are many poems in my blog that are not me now. Many that are. I can’t lose what is just to get rid of what was. And looking at was I can see how far I’ve come, remember those days before, and be pleased with not being there. Yeah, some pieces tend to pull me down still, and there are days I would rather give it all up. But not yet. Not here. Because right now, leaving this blog would be major failure to me. And right now I won’t do that to myself. right now anyhoo…

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