how much does it matter

Ok, so who cares if i blog or not. i mean, REALLY cares? If i don’t blog for a day or two, who sits back and wonders:

‘Gee, where has ol’ Marcus been? Haven’t seen a post from him in a while now.’

It’s a rhetorical question because i know the answer. i just don’t like knowing the answer. If i should happen to not post (which actually occurs at least one day every weekend), my readership goes down to 1 or 2, and if i don’t post the next day, visits to my blog are zero. Again, not surprising. Just a little disheartening sometimes. But eh – such is blogging. Or life. Or whatever else it is as such.

Tried a few of those ‘Promote your Site.’ ‘Comment here.’ ‘Let us refer to your blog’ places. My readership went down. i joke not. Down.

None of this should bother me, i know. i should be oblivious and just keep posting merrily along. If people find me, great. If they read and comment, even better. And should I reach another survivor – awesome. But if none of that happens, don’t sweat it, just keep blogging.

Not so easily done. At least not with depression pushing all my buttons, which it does. Some days more than others. Today a LOT more than others. But all that is part of the fun little game i like to call ‘life’. [note – just because i like to call it life does not mean i like life …]

i’m having to be real careful at work today. i have a sarcastic old man in me itching to go off on someone who asks a stupid question. And i work in I.T. — stupid questions abound here.

UGH

i really wish i could just go home and crawl under the bed. except it’s one of those adjusting beds – there’s no room under it unless you’re a gerbil. So even if i went home, i couldn’t do what i need most to do. [ok, want most to do].

…doesn’t help to have the original “Mission Impossible” theme stuck in my head. — that would be from the TV series, not the first rip-off movie …

9 thoughts on “how much does it matter

  1. Why, just today, I was pondering, ‘’Gee, where has ol’ Marcus been?’
    You should watch the newer “Cinderella” movie with Lily James and Cate Blanchett~~ There is a scene at the end where Cinderella’s Narrator basically says something like, “To allow someone to see you as you really are….”” (my favorite scene, and I am NOT a Cinderella fan, (I watched it because my family was watching it) turned out to be a most delightful movie, but that last scene stuck with me all day… though I don’t want to say too much ie spoilers…)
    Anyway, today you have done just that, and it has made you a very interesting blogger!!!
    I personally haven’t blogged in awhile, lost all my readers, sniff sniff? NOT
    I blog for myself, lately I’ve been too busy. I blog for my pleasure, break all the rules of “If you want readers, then blog every day!!!–etc. ”
    Do it your way, when the time comes, if it comes, you will be blogging every day. Relish this moment…I do. I’m busy because I have four children living at home, I’m working, and in a couple of years the kids may all be out of the house, and I will be rolling in time, and missing them!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ok, so you managed to make me smile. (and if you quote me I’ll deny it). I’ve seen trailers for the new movie – there’s just no way I’m getting into another “happily ever after” farce — it’s just not me. But I appreciate your suggesting it, and your explaining why.

      Heads up — once the kids are out of the house you’ll have ample chances to find something else to take up all your time 😉

      Liked by 3 people

  2. I only blog for myself. It makes me feel slightly better about myself knowing that I’ve blogged every day since I started….. two weeks ago. Likes and comments are just a bonus.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am there most of the time – I too started this blog for myself. Somewhere to be open, honest, ME. Regardless of where that is. And it still is that way. #1 purpose. Just sometimes it’s nice when you pour yourself out to have someone appreciate the effort …

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I was going through these feelings this morning which is why I posted the piece on SAD.

    My ‘views’ are down and I’m writing every day.

    If I don’t post my “views’ will drop to almost zero…

    But I write about difficult topics, I often contradict myself and my story sounds like a big
    attention seeking lie.

    That’s the way it is.

    There is a core of people who regularly read and comment on my blog.

    It takes time and each of us will find his niche and his community if we persevere.

    I am not a power blogger but I can sometimes write with power.

    I am not going to resort to tricks to ‘boost my traffic’ because I’m not very good with that.

    It’s a dilemma; how does one not care about numbers when all we hear is how much they matter?

    How do we focus on what matters when most people seem to prefer what doesn’t matter?

    And how do we control the inevitable feelings of being left behind and the envy that arouses when we know that the envy is counter-productive and crazy making?

    It’s hard.

    Do I sometimes forget who my contacts are. Yes….

    Until I have weekly contact with them.

    This is one of the reasons I keep a list of my contacts….so that I don’t have to rely on my email and the reader to keep up with them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You most definitely know how to write with power 🙂

      I think when so much of our life has been trying to get the attention of others — for someone to see where we are, what is happening, and that we could use – if nothing else – compassion. I think that can make it even more difficult not to care about numbers.

      And agree on the list of contacts. Not to mention a list of real contacts is much easier to maintain than a list of readers ..

      Liked by 2 people

      • I try to respond to everyone who reads or likes my writing. I know that people often use the ‘reader’ to keep up with contacts and that many times people with click ‘like’ in the reader. I have read that word press does not count these ‘likes’ as views so on some days I have more ‘likes’ than views.

        It’s all so incidental….I sometimes click the ‘like’ button through the reader as well.

        All of us are pressed for time and I genuinely believe that we are all doing the best that we can do…

        The other holdover from an abusive childhood is that internalized sense of unworthiness that often expresses itself as the automatic assumption that no one cares about us and no one really likes us.

        I know it isn’t true and some days this awareness is only intellectual.

        If I give into my feelings I will stop doing everything; I suspect that I would lose the will to live.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I love to see a great honest conversation between men, anyone, we until can’t say when it kicking our ass. If people thought I was like my blog……wrong. I try not to care about numbers either but somehow I’ve tied the number to the worth as a blogger. Logically it’s BS but we all want to be acnologedge, someone to say a kind word, be able to relate, to give a shit.
    I care about both of you very much.
    Marcus, feel my hug, you’ll know I care.

    Liked by 2 people

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