reaching a milestone

Is 100 a milestone? i got my 100th follower today. Compared to where i was when i started this 7 months ago – that’s a major milestone. so why no hoopla? why no dancing in the street, no singing in the shower, no grand serenades on the piano? that’s an easy one – any of those could be seen as celebration and i don’t have anything to celebrate.

now, before you refer me back to my second sentence up there, you need to consider where i’m speaking from. this is PTSD, this is flashbacks and nightmares of a time no child should have to endure. And it is always with me. Always. Some days i deal with it better than other days. Most days i hide behind my computer at work and my computer at home. Doctor says i need to exercise. i’m moving my fingers all the time. The muscles at the bottom of my forearm are strong and tight.

But I’m wandering far from the subject, so let’s circle back. Look at things factually – i do now have 100 followers. yippie.

i used to try, really try to get others to understand why i’m still dealing with this, why it’s still screwing with my life. i get either cotton-candy-compassion or in-your-face-realism.

i miss a friend. had one once, cancer took him away. had a couple of other friends. one hung himself at work, the other shot himself on a beach in FLA, out in the water. They were the ones i could talk to about anything. We all talked about anything anytime anywhere. But the support system is gone. i know, there are caring people online, but that’s like saying God can carry me through the worst times. Knowing either of those things does not provide the support that’s needed.

The one main reason I’m still on this earth – i am scared to death i’ll screw it up and end up being a veg. The thought terrifies me.

Sorry, i seem to have wandered all over the platform this time. i meant to talk about how reaching a milestone can mean the opposite of how a lot of people would handle it. Follow along if you would.

i cannot do anything right
i do not finish what i start
i tear apart anything i create

Ergo, since i cannot do anything right – getting that milestone is in direct conflict with the statements my life is anchored to. Ergo, it’s not really a milestone. i pretty much have to admit it happened, but its “milestone” label can easily be removed. So i just got another follower.

hurray

02
… it will be interesting to see how many “congratz” i get …

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15 thoughts on “reaching a milestone

  1. hoopla? i like that word…and 100 was my favorite number as a kid…so for you getting followers…awesome…sometimes it’s hard to accept praise…and to give it…i used to be so evil that i was most definitely unworthy of praise…but i digress, have some praise for reaching 100

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  2. I disagree completely. I think you should celebrate the milestone by throwing a huge party and change your mindset to allow yourself more credit for a great accomplishment. We are the products of our thoughts. Here is my praise for you: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!
    Danny

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      • I went through your blog and must admit I understand your post much more clearly now. And I can see in light of your blog topic, my comment was out of line. It came from a place of me not taking the time to fully understand the context of your post in light of your blog’s purpose. I apologize and hope you forgive me of my ignorance. I am truly sorry.
        Danny

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        • Not a problem, forgiven as soon as I wrote my response. It just stung at first and, per usual, I lash out first and rethink later. Besides – I even say in my post I wonder how many “congratz” I’ll get. I have a theory that we as humans have a tendency at times to read what we want instead of what’s there. I know I sure do and I doubt I’m alone in this. Sometimes I have to stop and reread something a few times to finally get what it really says because my “interpretation” doesn’t make sense. šŸ™‚ Your apology is heart-felt and heart-received. I tried to word my response in a way that would get your attention but not sound spiteful or angry, because I’m neither. Like I said, it just hurt at first, but it’s allll better now šŸ˜‰ Thanks, Danny

          M

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        • I am so glad to read all is okay. I hope you would know that I would never intentionally say something bitter. When I reread your post and then put that in the context of your entire blog mission the post made much more sense and I felt horrible. At any rate, I appreciate you accepting my apology and i hope for you a great day my friend!
          Danny

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        • I know you wouldn’t, that’s why I was able to let it go so quickly. I hope you have a grand day also – my work week is roughly half over so things are already looking better šŸ™‚ Plus you’ve been understanding of where I am — I am positive you know how good that feels!

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Marcus… Whether you consider having a hundred followers a milestone or not… Just know that I am honored to be one of the hundred and hope you continue posting until you have many thousands…

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