Is 100 a milestone? i got my 100th follower today. Compared to where i was when i started this 7 months ago – that’s a major milestone. so why no hoopla? why no dancing in the street, no singing in the shower, no grand serenades on the piano? that’s an easy one – any of those could be seen as celebration and i don’t have anything to celebrate.
now, before you refer me back to my second sentence up there, you need to consider where i’m speaking from. this is PTSD, this is flashbacks and nightmares of a time no child should have to endure. And it is always with me. Always. Some days i deal with it better than other days. Most days i hide behind my computer at work and my computer at home. Doctor says i need to exercise. i’m moving my fingers all the time. The muscles at the bottom of my forearm are strong and tight.
But I’m wandering far from the subject, so let’s circle back. Look at things factually – i do now have 100 followers. yippie.
i used to try, really try to get others to understand why i’m still dealing with this, why it’s still screwing with my life. i get either cotton-candy-compassion or in-your-face-realism.
i miss a friend. had one once, cancer took him away. had a couple of other friends. one hung himself at work, the other shot himself on a beach in FLA, out in the water. They were the ones i could talk to about anything. We all talked about anything anytime anywhere. But the support system is gone. i know, there are caring people online, but that’s like saying God can carry me through the worst times. Knowing either of those things does not provide the support that’s needed.
The one main reason I’m still on this earth – i am scared to death i’ll screw it up and end up being a veg. The thought terrifies me.
Sorry, i seem to have wandered all over the platform this time. i meant to talk about how reaching a milestone can mean the opposite of how a lot of people would handle it. Follow along if you would.
i cannot do anything right
i do not finish what i start
i tear apart anything i create
Ergo, since i cannot do anything right – getting that milestone is in direct conflict with the statements my life is anchored to. Ergo, it’s not really a milestone. i pretty much have to admit it happened, but its “milestone” label can easily be removed. So i just got another follower.
… it will be interesting to see how many “congratz” i get …