In seven days I turn 60. Not a major milestone, actually – except maybe from the world’s viewpoint. To me it’s another number. Counting down my days. Definitely more than half way through life. But getting closer to retirement, I hope.
Currently the plan is seven in a half years before my retirement. So not quite “seven and counting” for retirement. But still close, I suppose.
My hardest birthday was number thirty-five. I was being watched rather closely by several people, not the least of which my partner. I found out a few years later that everyone was sure I was suicidal. Mitchel thought I’d go of stroke or heart attack first. Me – I was living the hardest part of my life.
When I was ten years old and the major part of the abuse was lessening (one went off to college) I remember now looking at my father and thinking he had to be close to death. He was ancient. In my eyes, of course. Fun part – he was thirty-five. And evidently it connected. So my thirty-fifth year I was reconnecting with that thought. What made it more rough is during that time, I remembered nothing of my childhood. So the thought about thirty-five being “ancient” was buried with everything else.
So anyhoo, this year is sixty and not a big deal. Except I’m going horseback riding that afternoon. A tradition Mitchel and I shared every year. That first year I surprised him with the gourmet dinner, roses, etc – he loved it. Then he surprised me with horseback riding. We did every year after that. After his death I quit riding. Anything that reminded me of losing him was banned from thought.
The memories of my abusive past started dropping in a couple of years before his death. They had found the cancer, but prognosis at that time was good. How he ever dealt with his cancer AND my PTSD and anger spurts and crying jags … I look back now – he stayed with me through it all- Another part of his amazing personality.
Anyhoo, I haven’t been on horseback since then, so next weekend will be something big. I hope I manage it all… So the birthday may be a fairly major event, but not because of my age.
Seven days and counting. Damn, Mitchel I miss you!