So when does a person finally “get it together’? When can they look at themselves, either figuratively or literally, and say “this is me and I’m ok” ?? Because I should be there by now. At least I think I should. If I can believe movies – I’m wayyyyyy past the point of knowing who I am. I’m sitting here, stewing over this, and making myself ill. Actually making myself ill. This is stupid, crazy, insane, inane, inept, inconceivable …
I know! I’ll just accept the fact that I can’t accept who I am and then be ok with it. That way I should, in some round-about way, get it together. Oh yeah. That’s a plan.
I can joke about it. I can laugh and kid around and do everything except be serious because when I’m serious I feel like I do right at this moment and it’s not a great feeling. It’s that old saying “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry” – because I don’t. Guess laugh – what’s there to cry about? I’ve been this way more or less all my life so why should I expect to suddenly be able to say “I know who I am and I’m ok with it”.
I feel like I could run three blogs. This one – for my “recovery” writings, one for this kind of crap where I’m honest with the world, and one that shows the world what they expect to see. What they want to see. Three distinct sides of myself. Talk about needing to get it together. I’m fractured. Broken. So why can’t that be ok? I mean with me. Why can’t I be ok with being broken?
I kick myself for not being who I am. I kick myself for not being sure who I am. I kick myself for kicking myself …. I beat on myself a lot.
So this is enough rambling. At least for now.
Maybe I do need multiple blogs …