I think I hate epiphanies.
Webster’s defines epiphany as ” a moment in which you suddenly see or understand something in a new or very clear way“. I am finding that epiphanies are typically not something I want to admit to or even consider. This is because epiphanies need to be different than the way I am currently living. If you think about it, I suppose it makes sense. If it were in complete agreement with the way I am – it wouldn’t be “a new or very clear way” … My most recent epiphany is that I have choices on how I live – how I face the day.
This comes to a boil when talking about depression and anxiety. They are mainstays of my existence. A sad state of affairs to be sure, but without them what would I have to complain about? How can I continue to knock myself back into the gutter and convince myself what a loser I am if I’m not depressed? But if I have a choice in the matter … that just confuses the issue more. I have a choice. So I don’t need to be depressed. But I am depressed. I’m just a loser – why am I depressed if I can choose not to be…. and on, and on, and on — you can see this is a repetitive loop that does nothing but “spiral down to depressive thinking”.
Had a therapist once tell me that I hold so tightly onto my depression and anxiety because this is the only life I know. To venture beyond these walls is frightening, daunting, and more than I wish to deal with. I always answered that even if it were true, I don’t have what it takes to cope with that dramatic a change. So … in line with my newest way of looking at things … he was right. ACK. I quit seeing him because he was always wrong, always placing himself higher than me, making me feel inferior, etc. If he was right I need to re-examine a LOT of past decisions.
Not that I can change past decisions – because I can’t. But all this time I’ve thought I had no choice … I know, I know. “Shut up, Marc and get on with living.”
I was wrong. I don’t think I hate epiphanies. I KNOW I hate epiphanies.