it

inside
      deep inside
there is a place … no … not a place
               a … a thing
         entity
            substance

a spherical ball of chaos that has no defined shape
      or size

it doesn’t move
      or grow

my body just experiences such uneasiness
      and anxiety
   over its presence

it causes me no pain
                  to speak of

in fact
   if i ignore it
      i don’t even recognize its there

but

should i examine it
         look into its depths

the heavy tar of fear engulfs me
      taking my breath
            causing strain to my heart

and should i touch it
                  i am assailed with so many thoughts
      memories
               pieces
jumbled
         rushing at incredible speed
   bouncing from the walls of my mind

to pull free is almost hopeless

without a helpful hand
               it is near impossible

so then

knowing what i do
      about this … entity
            and its effects

why am i so curious
                     so determined
      to know what it is
   and draw it into the awareness
                              that is me

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3 thoughts on “it

  1. Great expression of the fear, the angst, the cancer of psyche that abuse and the years of repressed memories, stunted emotions, and pain being bottled up results in. Thank you for the courage to share. It helps.

    Like

    • I think I read your comments every day. It’s still very new, very strange feeling, to have someone “hear” me – recognize where I’m at … much less say that my ramblings can be helpful for someone. I can’t thank you enough. Confirmation is a powerful thing.

      Like

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